I'll think of a clever title later

These sox rock

2005-06-14T15:05:00.000-04:00

Norman Fred and me on the ugly couch.

My butterfly sox appeal to him.

My Norman Fred, he's the only man for me

2005-06-14T15:00:00.000-04:00

This is from awhile ago. Webb drew the picture behind us. She also named the bear.

Just shows to go you

2005-06-13T13:55:00.000-04:00

I was browsing scary!records when I noticed a link to my blog. I would like to thank each and every member of the scary!records crew for that unexpected linkage. On a side note I think one of you is very attractive, but I won't say who. You can all fight about it amongst yourselves. (For a hint see the FAQ page).

Flogging Molly - Friday night

2005-05-30T16:00:00.000-04:00

My Megan won four V.I.P. tickets to see Flogging Molly at the Cleveland rib burn-off. Somehow the fates (aka my mother) agreed and I was allowed to go with her, Jen and Shannon.

As usual, parking was a bitch. Welcome to Cleveland. We then saw a drunk man. Welcome to the rib burn-off.

The opening band, Trendy wasn't that great. Too scream-o for us, so we walked around various bbq places and admired the punks with 'hawks.

My ex-boyfriend's favorite band is Trendy so I am almost sure he was there. You would think he would be easy to spot with his 12" mohawk. But in that crowd it only helped him blend in (I never spotted him).

Next we went to the V.I.P. section. They supplied free food and drinks, tables and chairs. As far as atmosphere, there was a little less beer on the ground but that was the only difference.

After a toruturous number of Trendy songs, Flogging Molly started.
Megan and I made our way out of V.I.P. and into the crowd. Until then, I had never heard Flogging Molly, I wasn't expecting so much of an irish influence, it was tight.

Just after the music started, I saw Hethur and Matt. I was in downtown cleveland, in a concert sized crowd, what are the odds right?

Later I met up with a guy I hadn't seen in almost a year who used to go to church with me in Medina, about 40 minutes away, give or take.

The crowd had some kind of first grader meets devil-may-care attitude. I adored it.
The mosh pit was more dance-slamming around then violent surges of people mock fucking people, as my mother expected it would be. Somehow I was separated from Megan in the moshing crowd. I thought she would be easy to pick out with her temp' strawberry coloured hair, but it took about 45 minutes to find her.

At the end of the concert, we stood in line for funnel cakes. We were nearly to the front when they closed the booth (along with all of the others). So instead we tried the t-shirt line, we stood there for about 15 minutes, then they also closed. After another 45 minutes, we were able to leave the parking lot and enter the one lane alley they called a street. Then the traffic conducting man wouldn't let us through (he actually leapt in front of the car to stop us) and we had to take the long way home.

I spent the night at Megan's house.

(fill in the blanks)

We made crepes with fresh blueberry jam for 11 am breakfast.

And that was my weekend.

Will I rebel to anything?

2005-05-16T14:50:00.000-04:00

Should I waste my money on this?

It would be nice to support the band.

Then again that's what they invented i*l*g*l d0wnl0ad1ng for...

Feedback?

nail biting love

2005-04-30T22:29:00.000-04:00

The neighbor's bass is pumping
I bite my nails
It's cold and not so late
I like the feel
My friend is no longer naive
A little... at a time...
I bought a new gnome
Nibble nibble
I feel like pasting magazine pictures into a book
Thin lines of white
Or clipping depressing newspaper articles
Instead I file my nails
And ask questions that are hard for him to answer

I thought I was done w/ my self centered posts

2005-04-17T22:15:00.000-04:00

Just got back from my date @ Angel Falls with Hethur (Jake came too). It was fabulous, we had soo many chocolate espresso beans. We played frisbee in the apartment yard. We tried to get high off of some guys bong (it was a few feet away), we played on the jungle gym... Oh the effects of espresso. She said she will call me this week so we can go out again. I love her so much.

Hethur

2005-04-15T17:47:00.000-04:00

This is Hethur, I heart her to the max. I'm getting back into the internet addiction. God help me.

Notice to anyone who cares

2005-03-20T01:42:00.000-05:00

I feel so tired of winter, I could scream. It's been mild but it's still grey and drab. I want some sunshine. For this reason + some others, I've been avoiding the forums and online life in general. It's worn itself out. Maybe in the spring/summer I will get back into the loop. Note, I will still be on Instant Messenger at all hours. Later days.

The things that matter aren't that important

2005-03-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

I was walking across my parking lot on friday, slipped on some ice and cut my hand. When I first hurt it, it was very purple and swollen (within 2 minutes), but I put ice on it for a few hours and now it's not so bad. I really hurt my shoulder when I fell, but I think it's just a muscle or very deep bruise. Also bruised my knee. I knew it would happen sometime this winter. Call it intuition.
Because of my injuries, I didn't go bowling with my Nicky, Shannon, Quinn, Adam and Tatianna. They said they had a really good time and are planning to go back this friday (when I can go too).

Quinn, Adam and I went to the 24 hour Ohm program at our sister church. We and about 10 others stayed up all night meditating and talking, very serene. The 2 am session was the most difficult, a lot of people fell asleep.

Late at night, we talked about the problems within the churches. The subject turned to Cleveland. At a recent lock-in, I was in an uncomfortable situition (Angie, you know the one I mean). It turns out that three other girls had the same problem with the same person. It was good to get it out. And I was glad that they had the courage to talk about it. I don't know why I didn't mention it at the time. I think I was scared. Anyway, we are all fine and well, just pissed off that it happened at a place where we are supposed to be safe.

Watch me puke

2005-03-08T00:06:00.000-05:00

I hope this font color makes you happy.
I feel tired of stating normal everyday things. Today I blah blah blah, who cares. It's just a mental purge. So here you are, watching me puke in neon green hues.

I feel like saying something profound ... Nothing is coming to me. Picasso's whole name was: Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria de los Remeios Ciprano de la Santisma Trinidad Ruiz Picasso. Take a gander at that.

I -finally- finished Gone with the Wind (688 pages of war, love and childbearing). in some ways, I am a lot like Scarlett O'Hara. When I want something, God save anyone who tries to stop me! I will do anything to maintain money and security and am very strong willed. I used a few of her hints for catching beaus tonight. The results were interesting to say the least. All of her tips worked really well, it was almost scary how well. I even got a future date out of it. Those 1860s girls really knew how to work it. Or maybe it's a southern thing...

So now I'm reading about an investigative reporter who studied the Nazis. It's fasinating. He took on an entirly new identity to infiltrate them and learn everything he could. He wrote for Fortune magazine. Even the book itself is unique. It's water stained and very worn, printed in 1943. From the inside cover-
"Wartime economy measures insituted by the War Production Board limit the supply of paper available for this book. The smaller size makes it possible to get more books out of the available paper supply". Look at that. The war actually effected the paper supply, never really considered that before. Weird how now all we have are outragous gasoline prices. I think I would prefer paper shortages...

I need to start and finish working on my homework now. Read. Sleep. Wake at 7. Blah.

2005-03-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Sub Regi, my long awaited church trip. I can't even describe it. Everyone was so loving and open. We spent a lot of time doing yoga each morning, evening and sometimes in between. We drew pictures of our souls (mine is a magnet/rainbow with a quote below it "My soul is a magnet for positive thoughts and actions").

I met up with my ex-boyfriend and think I am finally starting to understand why he hit me. And, in the end, pushed me away. He was afraid. But not of me, just everything I stood for. It's complicated, but I know that it wasn't personal and so I can (finally) let it go.

I also met up with an old sweetheart I hadn't seen in a few years. He is so amazing, I can't explain it. He holds me in his arms and whispers how much he loves me... All of those stupid love songs sound *god forbid I use the word* cute. It's sickening.

Heather and I had some sort of bonding thing also. It involved a goose that was stuck in a beaver trap and drowning to death. She bitched until the camp people released it and took it to the vet. I was so happy for her. She saved it's meager life. His name is now Goosina. Not the most romantic of settings but still... I gave her my ladybug ring. I am not sure why. We still haven't gotten together outside of a church event. But I have gotten some encouragement. And now have a better idea of where she stands.

I processed a lot of things. Things about Kasey, my dad, myself. It was really healing. It's really good to know there are people who stand by you, you know?

But here is the post-rally sadness. I miss everyone so much. Tomorrow I am getting my pictures back from Acme it's all about you. I am praying that they turn out well, unlike at June when my el-cheapo camera decided not to work properly. In just a few hours I will find out. Here are the top ten things about Rally.

Makin' life a little better...

2005-02-24T02:09:00.000-05:00

Today I learned 1337 $p32x. it's fun, but more hassle than it is worth. My poor generation doesn't have its own language. What will brainwash us now...? I guess we will count on commercials. Tonight a friend and I sang the whole Acme jingle. How fucking sad is that?!?

It's all about youu. Acme. Makin' life a little better. Allll about you. Doin' our best to bring it all together... Everything you're looking for, doin' our best, we're your store! It's all about you... Acme. It's all about youuuu!

I think that's right..

I had a great time with Erik on monday. I am now the official street team for The Speedbumps! I also started a mailing list/newsletter for them.

After our meeting, I managed to score a book I'd been looking for for months, that hasn't been printed since 1943. (/\)007, (/\)007. 1'\/3 607 $k!11z!

An Old Christmas Card

2005-02-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

So cute you can't stand it

2005-02-22T23:17:00.000-05:00

Halloween, many years ago

Moods of the day

2005-02-21T01:36:00.000-05:00

Tired - 4 hour long church meeting today.
Motivated - My church is hosting an event next weekend, people from as far away as KY and Canada are coming
Open - At the meeting we had an activity where everyone stands in a line and someone reads a question -"have you ever been abused" "have you ever been judged for your weight" etc- If it applies to you, you cross the line. The point is to see that you aren't alone and others have been through whatever you are going through.
Bitter - I made the mistake of talking to someone who always puts me down when I was already in a sensitive mood.
Supported - After that person left, a good friend of mine got online and was willing to listen to me vent for awhile.
Flexible - Practiced yoga for 45 minutes.
Anxious - Meeting a friend (Erik) for coffee tomorrow. His band has a new album coming out in March it should be really good. I'm going to try to convince him to give an advance copy to me - free would be nice - for PR purposes and such.

Musings

2005-02-17T00:59:00.000-05:00

Time, yet again, to place my day into orderly columns

My hands still aren't feeling the best, but are back to their normal corpse-like temperature. My middle finger still feels out of joint and hurts when I move it.
I'm now reading Gone With the Wind. I've never heard the southern perspective before and am hoping the book will help me understand it.
Webb is reading The Turner Diaries, she said "[the author] had very fucked-up ideas". The last time I saw her before that, she was reading Mein Kampf. She said it was "very dull" and I don't know if she finished it or just stopped halfway. I haven't been to a library for about a month and am in great need of books.
Sometimes I wonder about Webb...
I went out with friends earlier tonight but still have cabin fever.
I hate winter! I hate winter so much I couldn't explain it if I tried.
I woke up with the name "Bam-Bam" in my mind for no reason at all. Tested it out as a nickname on a friend, it didn't fly. But I figured out who it should belong to not long after. Which still leaves the question of what to call the first friend... It will come to me in time. I give all of my friends nicknames. Sometimes it has something to do with their personality and more often times not. For example my friend Chasen is Gary (Adam is lil Gary). I don't know why. He just is. And Trogdor (another friend) is from an internet cartoon.
I watched a PBS program Slavery and the Making of America, it compared 1860, when 90% of blacks were slaves, to 1870, when all men (black or white) could vote and blacks could even be lawmakers. It was then, that the Klan became active and attempted to recreate the pre-war south.
Listening to NPR, this music reminds me of the circus.

The main time I think of health is when I don't feel well, odd

2005-02-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

My hands are really cramped, painful, stiff and hot (anyone who knows me knows I have hands cold as a corpse, always). The center of the pain is in my middle finger. It's like it's out of joint, cramping and tensing. I've been in pain all day long.
I get this sort of thing when the weather turns damp. But it normally lasts a few hours at most and was never so bad as today.
Typing hurts, but I think it's helping to move the synovial fluid + heal my joints. It could be arthritis.
I've had it checked out with a doctor before and he said it was lack of iron. I tried taking more iron into my diet, but it didn't seem to affect me. And now it seems like my symptoms and the severity of it have changed. I'll wait and see how I feel by tomorrow.

Another of my self centered posts

2005-02-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

The phone call went really well. I got past their caller ID, which I didn't think I could do. Evaded his mother (something else I didn't think I could do) and was actually able to talk to him. It sounded like he was seriously punished, just for talking to me. Even when I type it, it sounds strange. How can you punish someone for talking on the phone? There was a lot he didn't say.

I asked him how he was doing and he said "You know... Just trying to... Live". We both agreed it's not worth the risk of further punishment just for the sake of talking. So now we're doing what we can, which isn't much. We're trying to meet somewhere but it seems nearly impossible. I don't know what to think about all of this. Nothing a strong enough word. "so-confused-by-his-life-and-family-I- can't-stand-to-think-about-it-any-longer" is close. I just want him to be happy. After having him gone for so long, two more years isn't that much longer.

Somedays I don't know if I blog for you or myself. Today I know it's just to clear my head, so forgive the rambling. Some of this may not have made sense, maybe none of it did. Don't think about it too much. In fact, don't think about it at all.

2005-02-14T17:15:00.000-05:00

The phone call went really well. I got past their caller ID, which I didn't think I could do. Evaded his mother (something else I didn't think I could do) and was actually able to talk to him. It sounded like he was seriously punished, just for talking to me. Even when I type it, it sounds strange. How can you punish someone for talking on the phone? There was a lot he didn't say.

I asked him how he was doing and he said
"You know... Just trying to... Live". We both agreed it's not worth the risk of further punishment just for the sake of talking. So now we're doing what we can, which isn't much. We're trying to meet somewhere but it seems nearly impossible. I don't know what to think about all of this. Nothing a strong enough word. "so-confused-by-his-life-and-family-I- can't-stand-to-think-about-it-any-longer" is close. I just want him to be happy. After having him gone for so long, two more years isn't that much longer.

Somedays I don't know if I blog for you or myself. Today I know it's just to clear my head, so forgive the rambling.

2005-02-14T01:04:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, I think I am the only person in the world who enjoys it. Today has great potential. I will either explode with happiness or crash in failure. It will go down in history, no matter what. That is if I don't break down before the time is right. I won't. They can't make me. I love him. No matter what. What a day to choose for a fight...

Hold the phones!

2005-02-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

Someone keeps calling my house. All day long. From 7am to 10 pm. At least three times a day. I *69'ed and got the number. I looked it up but whitepages.com couldn't find it. They said it is (or could have one time have been) an Ameritech line. I try calling them back every time. It rings forever with no results. Using the first three digits, I narrowed it down to the Manchester/Arlington area. I checked my address book, it isn't anyone I know.

I signed up for Audioblogger. So far, I haven't thought of anything important enough to justify a long distance call.

Don't Tell Jamie

2005-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I talk myself through my dreams. My heart whispers all of the things my head doesn't want to hear. No. No. It's a lie. This can't be, I can't be this. But it is. The more I push it back, the more obvious it becomes. This secret.

work + play

2005-02-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

My edge is slowly coming back. I got into a fight with a friend which was a large contributor to my horrible mood. We worked it out. I thought she was really upset with me but it was really over a minor thing which we settled. Kasey was at the center of it. Classes started last week which totally threw me off. I was surprised by how much energy the kids in my class had this week. Patty, my assistant really helped in that area.

A few people commented on how together I seem at work and class, I guess all of my disorganized self is showing up at home instead. My room is messier than I can ever remember it. When I get home I just throw everything on the floor and crash.

This weekend I went out with friends until 1, drank coffee, got three hours of sleep, then ran to a church meeting at Panera that lasted for almost 4 hours. While we were there I saw Joe, Rick and Jake (all of whom go to our church, none of whom were part of the meeting). After the meeting, Nicky, Ti, Shannon and I went to A. F. Coffee house to chill. It was awesome. We saw Joe and his friend there too. I told Joe "You are like Visa today, everywhere I want to be"!

I really wanted to go the Day in Photos on Saturday, but I couldn't find my camera. This morning I found it, loaded it with film, only to find it is broken. I was going to buy a disposable today, but drove past Walgreens and forget. Oh well, I'll do it as soon as I can. Everyone's pictures look great so far.

I have lost my edge

2005-02-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

I hate me. I want to turn my back on myself and not talk to me for the rest of the day, the week, year, forever. I can be such a self-centered bitch. I totally disregard what other people might be thinking/feeling and just blurt out whatever pops into my head.

And I quote

2005-02-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

Angie: I find I am quite supportive...i wonder if i was a wonder bra in a past life....

One of these shapes is not like the other

2005-02-01T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day of classes. Long day. I like all of my classes. Drama is stressing me out. There are so many right-wing bible bangers I don't know what to do. We are doing The Crucible. It lead to talk of Satan and witchcraft being the devils work. I had so many things I could have said.

*I'm down with the devil! His tail is in my hand! (long story)

*What the devil are you talking about?

*I have a lot of wiccan and pagan friends. And guess what? Some of them are gay! (everyone falls over, dead with shock).

La-dee-fucking-da

2005-02-01T00:17:00.000-05:00

Classes start again tomorrow.

Today I was watching the 5 o' clock news. They did a feature story on Jackson's up coming trial. Then they showed a 20 second video of the Iraqi elections. People were lying in the polling places, shot dead, just for wanting their voices to be heard. Around them were others, screaming and crying for the dead. Then the camera went to another part of Iraqi which showed people celebrating. Then it was back to the feature story, Michael Jackson. Glad to see they have their priorities straight.

Just how old IS Nora?

2005-01-31T01:34:00.000-05:00

My latest adventure involves an 18 yr old college student in MI. Everyday I post comments on his journal, song lyrics, quotes, weird things ("and just why did you do that?") etc. It was kind of creeping him out, so I did admit that I really know him and explained how, church. So now he has me narrowed down to just over 150 people. I've never stalked anyone this way before, it's very fun. Especially if you know boy X. He is obsessed with secret identities. But he's never been the prey before.

At church today we watched Indigo, the 'sequel' to What the Bleep Do We Know?. I liked Indigo at least ten times better. Two weeks ago, a strange man approached my mom and told her that I had an indigo aura. The next day he found out about the movie. The man, Kevin, said he never sees auras but mine was brilliant. My mom knew about the movie, but didn't make the connection. Today, after the film, two people Kevin had talked to walked up to me, a little dazed and asked if I was her, the indigo one. I said yes and knew I meant yes. But it was like something outside of me said it. Hard to explain.

Listening to Marc's radio program. There are too many DJs in the studio. Dudes, share the microphone.

Lately a lot of very strange things have been happening around me. People introduce themselves to me out of the blue and they are just the people I need to meet. I had an odd dream a few nights ago. I made a clay tie and my father broke it. When I woke up I decided I wanted to learn to tie a tie. So I went to www.tieatie.net and found a few ways to do it. Anyway, I wore a tie to church today. Sorry there is a point to all this wordy junk, I swear. Some woman introduced herself and said she liked my tie and I explained the tie dream (leaving my father out of it) and she was like "This is probably about bonds around your throat being broken, and being able to speak freely". Sounds likely, but why now? Then she asked "...Do you do any type of singing or speaking". I told her I do, public speaking is one of my passions. She told me that's what I need to be focused on. So now I need to find out what all of this means. On the side, I have had a sore throat off and on all winter. There must be something I haven't said that I need to get out in the open.

You know you want to, it's not that hard

2005-01-31T01:07:00.000-05:00

More pictures

2005-01-29T13:29:00.000-05:00

I need your opinion. Should I post pictures directly instead of through a link? I haven't in the past because I thought it would take too long to load. If I don't get any response I will just switch to direct and change back if you complain.

At the mall with Webb. Some are blurry, one of her camera settings wasn't right.

Picture 1

Picture 2

Another subject line to fill

2005-01-29T02:59:00.000-05:00

I went to work tonight. Mum had a ... Thing and I was planning to just hang in the background, but they needed help (as they always do) so I just worked instead. I schlepped dishes all night long. Idlest 10 loads. My fingernails are all broken, my hands are really dried out... Being a barista is not as glamorous as you might think. Because I wasn't thinking when I got dressed, I ended up wearing high heels/standing on my feet for almost four hours. But I had a wonderful time. My mom's date... er, I mean thing went very well. He was impressed with our bread pudding (which I made myself).

I joined the club tonight. I broke my first plate. When I was washing one -out of a million- dishes, it slipped from my wet hands and shattered. This week I have been listening to Don't sweat the small stuff, for teens. When the plate fell my first reaction was total panic. The voices in my mind were all shouting at once YOU ARE GOING TO BE FIRED, HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID, blah blah blah. I took a deep breath and said outloud "I knew it would happen eventually". By the time Carla came back to check on me (and the plate) I was calm and able to handle the situation. In a way I feel better now that I've broken something but because I know I can deal with it if/when it happens again. I saw a lot of people I knew too. Kevin (the DJ), "Uncle" Rick (oddly enough also a DJ)... Tonight was the first time EVER we didn't have a jazz band on Friday. Apparently they got into an argument over something and called it off at 5 (it starts at 8). I am so exhausted, I can't type anymore. Goodnight.

2005-01-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

While I'm at it, I might as well post this picture. This is my friend Adam (and I). He's like a brother to me. We went to a prom together at my cafe once. He's really funny and his favorite movie is Napoleon Dynamite.

Pictures

2005-01-27T14:44:00.000-05:00

Webb sent this. It's her and I and her and Kasey, in that order.

Ten things that happened today

2005-01-27T02:32:00.000-05:00

My day was... A day. Which here means -

I made some art, going through magazines and cutting out things to paste into my book of "things I like". I added details with my calligraphy set. And tried some watercolor paints which didn't do too well on the thin pages. I have butterflies on every page.
Researched large words. Pragmatic is the only one that sticks in my mind
Talked to Eddie about deep things like hell + heaven and where they are. We decided they are here, depending on how you manifest them. Then we discussed how the day should have a 13th hour and what we would do if it did. He would swing on a swingset. I would take photographs of strangers.
Watched a program on PBS about Nazi Germany. The most interesting part is when they show the camps today. The Nazis destroyed everything. The most horrific events occurred in what are now just fields. Sometimes a clearing is the only evidence nature was ever disturbed. It helped me to understand how some people can convince themselves it never took place. If I wanted to, I could say that the papers are all forged, the Jews all actors. I could even claim it was a conspiracy if I wanted to go that far. I can also understand (some of) the Nazis believe they were doing it all for the good of the people. When they killed a child they were saving their country from a future threat. It's wrong and cruel, but it's what they thought was best. The last part of this three part series is on Wednesday @ 9pm (EST) on PBS for anyone who cares.
I stayed awake until 4am writing on my sheets. "Why am I here? ... Who makes the rules? ... What do I really have control over? ... "
I ate a new food. Pop-overs (a sort of muffin with a hole in the middle) with Goldenrod something (I forget the name) in the middle. Goldenrod ___ is just a mixture of eggs and white sauce. It was okay, but missing some sort of spice.
I played The Sims, found a cheat code so you can see them naked... Scary.
I found out my mom has a thing with our store manager this weekend. A thing as in a meet for coffee thing at night. At my café. Of all of the places to have a thing. I would call it a date but mum has an aversion to that word. I keep encouraging her to marry like Aunt Sue does. Step one: Find an old man with lots of money and several health problems. Step two: wait for him to croak. It works just fine for her, 4 marriages so far and who knows how much money. She thinks of me as her apprentice. If she only knew...
Dug out mom's old camera. She was once a freelance photographer. She promises to teach me how it works. It's a real camera, you actually need to focus it and all of that happy stuff. I've been reading POP photography for ages, I can't wait to get started.
Tried to polka to every kind of music. Pop, hip-hop, classical, techno. It's all 4/4. Some oldies songs have the 1-2-3 beat but not many. The weekly polka program on college radio that once drove me crazy is now what I want to hear most.

There is always a catch, Catch-22

2005-01-26T02:51:00.000-05:00

I spent the greater part of my day reading Catch-22. I started it a few months ago because I wanted to further understand the phrase. Now it's a battle between a headache and my sense of humor.

-------
"You're wasting your time," Doc Daneeka was forced to tell him.
"Can't you ground someone's who's crazy?"

"Oh sure, I have to. There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy."

"Then why don't you ground me. Ask Clevinger."

"Clevinger? Where is Clevinger? You find Clevinger and I'll ask him."

"Then ask any of the others. They'll tell you how crazy I am."

"They're crazy."

"Then why don't you ground them?"

"Why don't they ask me to ground them?"

"Because they're crazy, that's why."

"Of course they're crazy," Doc Daneeka replied. "I just told you they're crazy didn't I? And you can't let crazy people decide whether you're crazy or not can you?"

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, that specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of the clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka replied.
---------

Over 400 pages of that. I have a love-hate relationship with this book. I also tried to figure out how many pixels are in an inch. I asked mum, she said she thought it varied on the density of the pixels. Further research (including several full page versions of what should have been a 2" image) concurred with her hypothesis.

-The above paragraph I normally type. I keep a thesaurus by my computer to translate things into smaller words so I don't sound stuck up. -

I finally guessed a number close enough and made a button with a picture of Pilze on it that reads "My nervousness is a medicational side effect". Then I read the newspaper (some of it anyway).

A friend sent this picture to me a few days ago. Why am I always behind books? I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement. I found a picture of his whole face once. It was kind of creepy; I liked the mystery much better. That's the first time I have ever used a semicolon in a sentence. I probably misused it.

Earlier, I found out that Oscar Wilde used a pseudonym after he got out of prison, Sebastian Melmoth. Maybe that was one of those times when I was supposed to use a semicolon. I worry that, like commas, I will put them in all of the wrong places.

I took my film to the store last week, they no longer have one hour processing. Very disappointing, now I need to wait for a time when

I am already out
the store is open
I have my film with me
I have money to develop it
I can get back in an hour

There is a good chance I will be cremated with these rolls of film still clutched in my hand.

I wish I was the middle child.

2005-01-24T16:35:00.000-05:00

I forgot the most important thing. Sonya, my older sister, called last night. I hadn't heard from her in months and haven't seen her in the past two years. She's working for American Express now. She is moving to another house in the same neighborhood she lives in now, because people keep breaking into her current one. She said "we are moving" so I'm assuming she's still living with Mario, I didn't want to ask her.

I hate when she and John (my brother) forget about me. I didn't know John moved to Alabama until weeks afterward. Then, it was only when my grandma told me. It's like they don't even care.

Last night Sonya said "We've gotta get together soon... Once I get settled in my new house". Yeah, right. By then something else will come along, she'll be changing jobs or her car won't work... Something always happens.

This year she called me on my birthday. She hadn't done anything like that since I was 8, when she bought a Barbie for me. I still have it, I never played with it because it's all she's ever given to me. Same goes for the stuffed elephant my brother bought for my 3rd birthday.

Every year I buy Christmas presents for them. They are sitting on my closet shelf, still waiting. Just like me.

Being stranded isn't fun, even in a warm house

2005-01-24T01:47:00.000-05:00

I went to a polka dance at Becca's house on Saturday. Yeah, I know, there was a snowstorm and everyone was advised to stay off the roads. I wanted to go anyway. We drove the whole way there at 20mph (on 55mph roads). The dancing was great, Becca's dad is really good at it. Then Becca put on some Motown and we polkaed to that (what is the past tense of polka?). After 6 dances everyone was exhausted. Most of us stayed at Becca's house overnight, it was just too risky to drive home. They have a huge house, my whole apartment could fit inside their kitchen, so it wasn't hard to find room for everyone. Becca, Meg and I stayed up for awhile and played "I never" (minus the drinking). For once, I didn't lose! By morning, most of the main roads were cleared, so we could go home.

Did a google search and finally found out what they are saying in the backwards part of a song I like, it had been driving me insane. I couldn't get my computer to play it correctly. Hell, they are hard enough to understand when they sing normally.

2005-01-22T01:57:00.000-05:00

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job...
Tonight was our busy night. Good friends, good food, good music, good tips. It was mayhem all night, but I loved it. I was really depressed all day, but the second I got moving and making drinks I felt uber better. I should start working two nights a week soon. I was witty. I was happy. I was hyper. Life is good. I wrote a poem last night. Not sure how I feel about it.

Sometimes
Sometimes, I forget to hate you. I let myself remember your hands, how gentle they could be. I think of your hidden self. The part you try so hard to hate. I see you kissing him. Knowing the lie, living the lie. I see your pain. Sometimes, I wish I could be with you. Sometimes, you, like my memories seem soft and far away. Sometimes, I remember you happy, before the hate. I picture our love around us. Can you feel me? Sometimes, when I am stronger, I see you now.
But only in my mind. Only sometimes.

The things inside my head.

2005-01-21T03:25:00.000-05:00

My crazy social life has prompted a crash. Right now I am listening to NPR, they are playing one of those classical songs I know by heart, (do do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do do do do do do do do do DO). You would know it if you heard it. They use it on commercials. Ah-ha! Peer Gynt. Like I said, I have CRASHED. I drank tea tonight and felt a little more 'normal'.

Tonight Quinn, Becx and I went to see What the #%$& Do We Know? I had seen it before, they hadn't. We all loved it, Quinn kept saying "My mom's gotta see this!" We wanted to hangout at a coffee shop afterwards and talk about it, but Quinn had to go home.

On the ride home, Quinn and I talked about southern words my grandma uses. Last year I realized "Ain't Nan" (pronounced ain nan by my grandma) is not a word. In case you are unfamiliar to southern slang, ain't nan means "isn't/aren't any". For example, "Have any more cornbread?" ... "Ain nan left". Also, "catch me some water" and "cut off the light". Oh, I almost forgot "mash the button", mash sometimes means push. Other times it means push harder than normal pushing. Sometimes I think about those words in other languages which, like 'mash' are hard to translate directly. We must be missing so much. Sometimes I think about sign language as the ultimate cure for this. Jimmy agrees, sign language is the way to communicate. Sometimes I think about words, sometimes I just think too much. Sometimes I worry that my thoughts will bother others, sometimes I don't worry enough. Yeah, I'm not really talking about language anymore. More about communication in general.

I'm uber excited to work tomorrow. Also a little nervous. Mum keeps telling our friends to stop by while I am working. What if I drop something?!? This is my main reason for stalling sleep tonight. Last night I had my work dream again. The one where everything goes wrong. I liked the night before much better. Now I really need to get to sleep.

Dreams or no dreams.

Mannequin

2005-01-20T01:51:00.000-05:00

I don't have a lot of time to write, so here it is.

I've spent the past five days partying.

I witnessed some events that I don't feel comfortable posting on the internet.

So many crazy things.

I had a friend over, then a church lock-in (which is where most of the bad things took place), then a day that blurs in my mind. I went somewhere, but I'm not sure where or with whom.

Heather and I set something up to hangout but nothing finalized so we haven't done anything yet.

Last night I slept at Becca's house. We stayed up and took pictures with her camera. Here I am, being weird. Riding the stuffed alligator. Feeling tired, because her family is into health stuff and wouldn't give me coffee! Becx, holding a teddy bear. No coffee, still crazy. Must be coffee withdrawal. Me again. In the morning we made cous-cous with yogurt. Then her mom gave me 6 yoga tapes she was finished with. Then we all drank tea. It was a blast.

I went directly from her house to Webb's house. We watched Revenge of the Pink Panther, then went to the mall 2 blocks away from her house. It's an upscale place, Nordstrom and such. She took my picture in front of some lingerie dressed mannequins. I grabbed it's plastic breast, then I started thinking about mannequin souls. I wrote a few poems about mannequins about 3 months ago. They amuse me. Webb and I pretended to be mannequins. Then we rode the escalator and did that queen wave thing. The only person who waved back was the cleaning man for the food court, the rich people just turned up their noses. They have a thai place and a café and... McDeath, wtf?!
Webb took some pictures, they will be coming soon. I have plans to develop 2 rolls this week.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in, how wonderful. This post is shorter than the last but took just as long with the linkage.

Blue Butterflies

2005-01-13T03:23:00.000-05:00

I started job training at my café on Monday. There were two other trainees who had never been to the café before, I think they were overwhelmed by the art. Carla gave us a walk-through showing us where everything is kept, how to measure coffee beans, health dept. Regulations and so on and so forth. I was nervous the night before and all through that day. I'm still a little intimidated by it now. There is so much to know. Carla said "The most important part of this café is the customer, always be friendly and greet them with a smile. If you won't we will just be another..." I couldn't help answering "Starbucks!". She smiled, "Yes! And we are not Starbucks!"

Tuesday I learned to make espresso, chai lattes, Cuban shots, coffee (of course), tea, hot cocoa and bread pudding. I also took an order, served food and learned how to use our cash register. Once, I accidentally pushed '0' too many times and enter $100 instead of $10, very scary, but I think I would have caught myself before giving them the change. The machine that foams the milk is the hardest part to learn. Too many buttons. Judging the temp is difficult too. Not hot enough and the drinks are cold, too hot and people burn their tongues. Also, adding cream and sugar. It needs to be the right shade for each person. I don't know why we prepare it for them, it seems like it would be easier to put cream and sugar on the tables or on a counter.

I also received a nickname. All of the waitresses/café people have nicknames. It's kind of an initiation. When I feel like I've really got the hang of things I'll start using the lingo. My favorite expression is a "scosh", which is a measurement of flavoring or chocolate. Is this used elsewhere? We also use Yiddish words, like "Schlepp", which means to carry with great effort. This is a common term for washing (Schlepping) the dishes. We never schlepp the coffee.

While I was working, I saw Kevin, who I met there about six months ago, when I was hoping for a job and volunteering to do the dishes. We both thought it was odd that he hadn't been there since summer and decided to come in on my first working night. He said he "just needed some espresso" to get him through the night. He works at a classical radio station, in C-town. He has the perfect voice for it, very mellow.
A fundamentalist church contacted him a few weeks ago, out of the blue, asking if he could arrange some string music for them so he was going to be working on that all night. Oddly, it was my best friend's church. I miss him so much. He's stuck in an environment where every second of his life is controlled by crazed religion. He questions everything but is afraid to speak up. Sorry kind of got off on a tangent there.

To sum up my work experience so far - I love my job and I feel like I've learned a lot but am l afraid of forgetting something important. I could write about my job for hours but I think I have bored you enough for one night.

Today I went to Borders, I looked up what butterflies mean symbolically. Lately blue butterflies have been in photos, wrapping paper (no one knew I like them), unrelated art... Everywhere I look. It said something about changes, blah, blah, blah... so vague. I just want to know what they mean so i can get on with my life. I bought a Sketchbook to use as a journal/art thing. All of their journals have lines, if there is one thing I hate, it is a lined journal. When I write I draw in the margins, but they are never big enough to fit in all of my thoughts. I also paste in pictures, tickets etc... Tonight I was looking through magazines, the first photo I found, a blue butterfly.

I realize I don't have many collections, I have the gnome collection (1) and my plaid skirt collection (2). So, inspired by Francesca Lia Block's books and the title of a Modest Mouse CD, I am now collecting bad news. I will paste it into one of my numerous blank notebooks and lock it away somewhere. If I can hold it, it's so so big and it's not so bad.

I've been writing for over an hour, it's time to stop for the night.

Fear me, for I am slighty dramatic

2005-01-08T02:40:00.000-05:00

In response to recent comments.
My master-cowboy likes the dots, so they are back (for now). I'm still planning to fine tune this when I have the time. I talked about them with him the other night. I am also guessing he is the one who left the comment in all CAPITALS. Tsk tsk Mr. Ex english teacher.

Someone recently scolded me for writing nothing about Tsnami or other world events. As I explained to them, it's not that I don't care, it's because I don't know how to deal with it. The idea of that many people dying, in such a major disaster is too big to comprehend. I've discussed it with a few people, but I can't stand to do more than that. If there is any way I can help, I will.

Tonight was movie-a-go-go night. Napoleon Dynomite is my new favorite movie. Sarah hated it and walked out in the middle of it. I couldn't stop laughing. Kasey didn't come. Alex said she was out with friends, who knows. I was relieved but also disappointed. I really wanted to see her, but I didn't really want to see her. I wish I could just move on, as it seems she has. But it's hard when there is no one to move on to in my life.

For my birthday Meg bought a t-shirt for me with glow-in-the-dark letters stating "Slightly Dramatic". My favorite uncle sent $25 and Becca bought a pin for me that says "Fear Me", with a skull on it. My birthday always lingers and I still haven't had a party.

I have decided to start a group. Not a religous group, not a spritual group, but a group with which to dicuss how to deal with everyday life. My church isn't satisfying me at all. It's all about fundraisers so every six months we can get together with other churches from nearby states and actually have a good time. My plan is to skip the bullshit and concentrate on why I really come to church. Our first topic will be "Lent: It's not about giving up chocolate". Eddie wrote an awesome plan about lent for guided discussion, which lead me to choose this topic.
I want to talk about what lent means to me. I don't believe that lent is about giving up things we like, for six weeks, just to take them up again six weeks later. I think it's about being aware of unhealthy habits and focusing on changing them to positive ones. Earlier I made a list of all of the qualities I look for in a dicussion group, in a church, in a group of friends. I want to blend them into something fun and enlightening. I wrote down keywords, then circled the most important. So far I have thought of about ten people who might be interested, but fidning a time that works for all of them is a little tricky. I want to call this group something catchy, humorous and clear. Kind of like Zoolander's "Center for kids who can't read good and want to learn to do other stuff good too".

Dots

2005-01-05T03:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, the dots are back.

Layouts are the devil.

2005-01-05T03:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, I just worked on a layout for 3 freaking hours. Only to find I cannot get the images to show up correctly. I may revert to a black background again. Not the dots, those bugged the living crap out of me. But that is all for tomorrow, tonight is nearly over. I am going to talk to my drunk friend, then maybe to sleep before waking again. Last night I set my alarm to wake me at 9 by mistake. It was set on my Mushroomhead cd, at a very loud volume. I nearly hit my hit on the ceiling (I have a bunk bed). Not a good way to start your day.

The Layout

2005-01-03T15:34:00.000-05:00

You have probably noticed the changes in layout lately. It's a work in progress. I was aiming for cleaner and not so cluttered looking. I like this one better than the ones I have had before, but it still needs some fine tuning.

Light hits the prism

2005-01-03T13:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I visited my friend Anne. She's awesome, a total hippie, into natural foods, peace love happiness etc. We talked for four hours about everything from Tsunami to homeschooling to her college life to her husband Rick's childhood. Then Rick, who is a chef, made a dinner with chicken breasts in a apricot sauce, red skin mashed potatoes with roasted garlic and green beans. Remind me to marry a chef. After dinner, we all had lemon pie and talked for two more hours. Rick is also a construction worker. At one excavation site in C-Town, his crew found milk jugs and ink bottles from the early 1900s. Most of them were intact. But a lot of them were warped, like they had been in a fire. Very odd.

You used to be my Romeo

2005-01-01T23:55:00.000-05:00

Sarah had a party tonight. It was really fun but very small. M. Webb was there, she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, I was very happy. I hadn't seen her in months and missed her awfully. Just before she left tonight she said "I miss seeing you, we should get together sometime." I'm sure I was grinning like a fox in a hen house (or some phrase along those lines) as I agreed.
We all ran around in the woods, kept our clothes on for once, played basketball and listened to music. Then we went back to the house, had a drink and played cards. I didn't realize how much the drink would effect me. I kept talking with little control over what words fell out of my mouth (less than usual). Very odd.

Happy new year

2005-01-01T01:38:00.000-05:00

Three more years until freedom. Unless of course I move to Canada before then. Went downtown tonight for the new year celebration. Met up with Rebecca at the first place I went and saw people from church all night at different locations. At one point we had about 7 people (all from church) there, all in the same building. As well as a woman I knew from bio classes I moved here who now lives in Canada and was "just visiting for the weekend". Somewhat queer considering there are 20+ buildings all with at least 2 activities (music, food etc) all night.

My huge empty wine bottle is mocking me from the bureau.

Tomorrow I am going to a party at Sarah's. Normally we strip and run through the woods screaming so I can't tell you where the party will be held. Meg Webb is coming so we are guaranteed to have good music. Hopefully something hardcore. Sarah is way too attached to that country stuff. I made her promise to keep it to a minimum.

A small leap into space

2004-12-31T01:49:00.000-05:00

When I woke up on my birthday, I had lost my voice. Fortunately for me, I spent the greater part of the day in a library, so it didn't matter much. The librarians like whispering things.
Aside from being somewhat mute, my birthday was nice. I made decorative tiles with Sarah at the studio. Mr. B needs to fire them before we can glaze them. Then we went back to Sarah's house to chill and eat lunch. In the evening, Mum took me to the Winking Lizard for dinner. I never knew they had an actual lizard. Of course, we sat at the table closest to him. He kept sticking his tongue out at me, very disturbing. It was bright pink, like bubble gum. I could only see one side of his face so I still don't know if lizards can wink.
Dad bought The Butterfly Effect for me, I really like that movie. It makes me feel better about my fucked up childhood. He also bought a necklace for me. He got a note from the dog warden (I think that is what they are called), saying he must take better care of my dog. He said "I almost told them to take him". If it wouldn't be traumatic for my little sister, I would tell him he should. He knows the warden, so he got off this time. Justice can be so, unjust.

Went to my second favorite café last night with Justin, Joel and their friends. Joel and Co. Were very immature and noisy. I wanted to hurt them all very badly. I hate when Joel invites them to go anywhere because they always cause trouble. I had a great discussion about religion and awareness with the owner. At the end of the night he asked me if I would work there. I agreed. I would be very excited, but I have this mental cloud hanging over me telling me that, for whatever reason, it won't work out.

Today is the last day of the year. It's strange to think back on it. I feel like I've changed a lot. I've met new people who have encouraged me to mature and think about my values more. I left a bad relationship and learned to be happy with myself. And discovered I am stronger than I think by standing up to authority in the wrong. I have no major resolutions, just continue to meet new people, stand up for myself and ask Heather out for coffee. The last may prove to be the most difficult.

Nicky and Sugar finally got together. I'm glad they are happy. I would be even happier for them if I didn't hear about it 24/7. Today they were talking about us all meeting at a bookstore on the 8th. I don't know why I am supposed to be there. To moderate I guess. It's so weird, I have no Idea where I am supposed to play into this.

On my birthday I was bored and it was late, so I started cutting my hair. I was working on the back, humming to myself because of how fun this was turning out to be, when, all of a sudden, it hit me. "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing!... I've never done this before... Oops, didn't mean to do that". It didn't turn out too bad, mostly because I stopped in terror halfway through. Had the damage repaired in the morning. Someday I will probably try it again.

It's my birthday, woot woot!

2004-12-28T01:28:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve, my family and I went to see Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. It was great, the plot was good, the cast was good, even the credits were good! We went to the Highland Theater, I had never been there before. It's really nice. I expected something more like The West on the other side of town, which is not as clean or friendly. After the movie I stopped in the bathroom, the girl in the stall next to me started talking about the movie and had an entire conversation in the bathroom. Before she left she said "it's weird, I've lived here for three years, but this is my first time at the theater..." I sputtered something like "yeah me too" how bizarre.

Then we went out for pizza and bought food for Christmas day, we only had twenty minutes until closing and (of course) met up with friends in the middle of shopping but somehow got everything we needed.

Christmas Day, my sister invited Dad to come at 10 o'clock. Instead he showed up at 8. I was fucking pissed. On the bright side he bought the mother of all CD players for me. I got a lot of nice things, too many to name.

Last night I went to Sugar's house for a party. It was really fun, Angie was there, we all cuddled laughed and opened other people Christmas presents. Then we looked at pictures from past good times. Angie has one of me biting into my trail mix bag because I couldn't get it open. Very savage and cute looking, I'll upload it once she emails it to me. Angie has a hidden talent of guessing what is inside wrapped presents. We spent about an hour feeling up the gifts, trying to guess what was inside. She got every one right, including the package of blank CD's that stumped everyone else.

Today is my birthday. I feel old, soon I will start saying things like "When I was your age..." And "kids these days!"
Next comes the ability to predict storms with my bad knee.

Later I am going with Sarah to the town where her dad works to look around at the shops, get some pizza and chill at her dad's studio. We might even fire and some pottery, woo hoo! Then I'm going to my fathers to pick up whatever he bought for me. Mum knows what it is. I asked her if it was something I would like, she responded with "Er... I think so". Not very positive. Last year he wanted to buy a Buzz Lightyear action figure for me. He's a little out of touch.

Secret Santa, part 2

2004-12-23T22:33:00.000-05:00

Today we got another package in the mail. Inside were sweaters for each of us, hats, gloves, scarves, games and 2 Tops gift cards. We know it someone different from the first package, the sizes were guesstimated and such. It's driving us all nuts that we don't know who sent the gifts. But in a way I don't want to know, it's nice having a mystery person/people.

I finished more of my shopping today, after much skidding across W. Market St, that thing was shit. First it snowed, then freezing rain, then snow again. Everything is covered in frozen slush. I hate winter.
All that is left on my shopping list is something for Sarah. It's kind of weird that my best friend is the last one I find something for, I just want it to be perfect. I bought her a joke gift, My Little Pony stickers. It's a long story. Anyhow, I want to buy something special for her too. I looked at a few stores but nothing was quite right. She gave mine to me yesterday.
A picture frame that says 'Canada' and has like maple leaves in the corners
A rainbow patch for my vintage coat
And her dad, a local potter, made a mug for me (black and red, my favorite colors).

Alright, time for "me vs. the wrapping paper". Later Daze.

2 am conversations

2004-12-23T02:10:00.000-05:00

01:54:54) Eddie: I am getting to that state of tired
(01:55:05) Eddie: where my forehead area kinda hurts slash tingles
01:57
(01:58:16) Me: yes, and your eyes shut every time you blink and don't want to open again
(01:58:28) Eddie: no I am not like that
(02:00:31) Me: you are lucky
(02:01:05) Eddie: hahahhaha
(02:01:06) Eddie: nahhhh not lucky
(02:01:16) Eddie: just the way I choose to be manifested
(02:02:07) Me: ha, sometimes I get mad cause you understand more than I do (unitywise) :) I'm working on it
02:02
(02:03:30) Eddie: no no no
(02:03:33) Eddie: not unitywise
(02:03:39) Eddie: Ed's beliefs wise
(02:04:08) Me: well then, I want to be an Edist (and follow the teachings of Ed)!
(02:04:43) Eddie: lol, no
(02:04:54) Eddie: you should follow your own teachings
(02:05:05) Eddie: I should just inspire you to find those truths inside yourself
(02:05:14) Me: fine I am a *myname*ist, with ed influences
(02:05:18) Eddie: otherwise you will always be limited by my level of greatness
(02:06:56) Me: I don't know about that, you are really great... I always wanted to be catholic...
(02:07:02) Me: but it never worked out
(02:08:10) Eddie: lol
(02:08:14) Eddie: may I ask why??
(02:08:23) Eddie: well I mean besides the whole non straight thing
(02:09:59) Me: going to hell. I don't believe in hell or a punishing God. Or even God the way they think of him - some judging father. +the whole "god the father" idea, my father is far from a god. I believe god is energy. Dark matter. Anti-matter if you have heard of it
(02:10:31) Eddie: yeah
(02:11:32) Me: and the "he died for our sins". And the immaculate conception. Pretty much everything the church is based on :-P but I love the saints, the ritual atmosphere, prayers in Latin...
(02:15:56) Eddie: oh gotcha
(02:19:05) Me: have you always gone to Unity?
02:20:47) Eddie: um, let me see, yes
02:21:04) Eddie: when I was little I was forced to go and I didn't really like it
(02:21:13) Eddie: but I liked the swing set outside the church
(02:21:21) Eddie: (that was back in Reno Nevada)
(02:21:41) Me: don't you live in IN??
(02:22:07) Eddie: Illinois
02:22
(02:22:11) Eddie: and then we moved here
(02:22:16) Me: oh okay, that would explain a lot
(02:22:23) Eddie: um, but then I went
(02:22:37) Eddie: didn't like downstairs children's church
(02:22:44) Eddie: because we just made collages
(02:22:51) Eddie: so I went upstairs and played with toys, to the service
02:23:47) Eddie: and then my sister finally convinced me to go to YOU
(02:23:48) Eddie: so I did and I liked it
(02:24:05) Eddie: and that is when I would say I really started to go to Unity
(02:24:45) Me: it's funny, you are now Mr Y.O.U.
(02:24:50) Me: everyone loves you
(02:25:56) Eddie: lol well I would say that technically everyone loves everyone equally it is just a matter of whether or not the 1 are aware of it and 2 express it
(02:26:23) Me: once again, being an Edist. *bows*
(02:27:36) Eddie: lol
-
Meanwhile, Sugar Bear was attempting to type Christmas songs in German. He's funny when he's hyper. Two days until Christmas, five until my birthday. Sugar is nearly bursting to tell me what he bought for me. I almost said too much about his gift. Popcorn! It's an inside joke.

2004-12-21T23:56:00.000-05:00

Someone played secret santa at our house today. They left $200 in gift cards for groceries, 2 $50 for Kohl's, $20 in gas cards, an entire set of dishes plates and mugs... It was incredible. And we don't even know who it is!!! Last year a huge box came with an official UPS sticker addressed from North Pole, Alaska... Someone is going all out :-D Whoever it is, our landlady knows, she let them in the building today.

My shopping trip with Sarah was great. We found lots of good prices. The mall was hellish but we didn't stay long. We went to four stores (counting the mall as one) in under 2 hours. We are expert speed shoppers. Then we went out for lunch at Panera Bakery. The only disappointment of the day was buying one thing for $10 and finding it at another store for $2. Oh well, I am rich now so who cares!

Dad also took my sister and I shopping. It was awful. I am too angry to write about it.

"God Bless America... And no one else..." The fine print they forgot to mention

2004-12-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

I went over to Cullen's house today. We had nothing to say to each other so I read a book and took a nap. That never happens when I am with my other friends. I really don't know why we spend time together, we don't click at all. While I was there his mum cleaned the house. She found a huge blue wine bottle and gave it to me for a decoration. She also found some naughty underclothes she no longer wanted. See-through, lace, strappy... Now if I only had an occasion for them.

I read Angels and Demons all afternoon. It's exciting but this whole event the book is centered around is only supposed to last 4 hours. Which makes it somewhat slow. I read about 3 chapters and (in the book) only 10 minutes had passed.

Last night at 3 my friend got depressed and wanted to talk about his self esteem issues, that lasted until nearly 5 in the morning. I nearly colapsed this afternoon becuase I was so tired, no joke. But on the bright side, I think he's feeling better now.

Tomorrow Sarah and I are going Christmas shopping in the morning, then out for lunch. It's so weird, we never do 'girl things'. I don't remember what time she is coming (9:30 or 10:30). Hopefully I will remember to take my camera.

Right now my friend Erik and I are discussing the use of vulgar words in songs, specifically words that put down minorities. He says offends him. It only offends me in some content. For example, I listen to Eminem and don't care because that's what I expect him to say. I don't take his words to heart, that's just his image, his own morals could easily be different from what the public sees. Erik keeps reverting back to the same defense, "by listening to hateful things you promote hate". This is where we disagree. If I hear someone say something in public, that offends me. Music is entertainment and (while it may not be the best part) offensive language is part of it. It offends him in all context. He was captain of his high school debate team, I expected more of a fight. I said "I don't carry that message with me. I listen to it without spreading it". Earlier in our conversation he said "That is so gay", so I have him cornered. I am joining a debate club next term. I hope we can have good discussions without killing each other.

I want to steal your soul... with my camera

2004-12-20T01:07:00.000-05:00

Listening to my secret agent lover cowboy's radio show. It gives me pleasant shivers. He plays great music, I wish local radio could be wicked tight like this. I just got a shout-out, this kicks some major ass.

My mom has this idea of a good family spending all of their time together during the holidays, always smiling, baking cookies, happy shit. So she was convinced we should go to Tuba Christmas for the 25th anniversary, 500 tubas all playing at once... My mothers idea of a good time is very different from my own. On the bright side, my favorite journalist was the featured soloist, which was funny because he's only had three tuba lessons. Another player 'assisted' him. Every tenth note or so he (my favorite writer) would chime in. It was hilarious. Before the concert started, he walked down the aisle, right next to me. My whole body froze and I couldn't move or say anything. Smooth huh?

Lately I've been taking my camera with my everywhere. It's something I've always wanted to try. So I picked up my 35mm point and shoot and loaded some black and white film. If I like the results I might try to borrow mum's camera sometime. She was once a semi-pro photographer. I also signed up for some photo classes this spring. The teacher is pro-Kerry to a scary extent... (and that's really saying something), but I'll deal with that as the time comes. The sign language classes I've offered to teach in the coming year have been picked up a lot of students. I may need to teach two periods, how exciting. I keep worrying that they will be bored learning A-B-C... But that's where you need to start. I really want to prepare now, but then I might be too prepared and become even more boring than I was at the start...

God, this music is orgasm-in-a-box.

I'm considering going to a catholic church this winter. I don't believe a lot of the things they say. For example, that there is a hell (other than the one I live in now) or that I am going there for liking girls. But the service is tight, l I like the ritual part of it. Being able to come to church in jeans is nice for some, not me, I like something more formal.

Oh bother, here is my father to greet me on AIM. *a few minutes later* Forced to suffer another nothing conversation. Oh well, beats the sex talk I endured after that cursed mosquito bit my neck last summer. It seriously looked like a love-bite.

Haiku
Weary sunshine greets
My paper umbrella with
warm kisses, love

Who knew punk music would make me feel all fuzzy inside?

The crystal ball is clearing...

2004-12-19T01:05:00.000-05:00

Daily Capricorn Forecast

Quickie: Some people like to hear themselves talk. Their beliefs aren't backed by knowledge.

Overview: If you're attached, your partner may have quite the surprise lined up for you. If you're single, the surprise just might arrive via a brand-new lover. Sure, you're tired after last week's escapades, but that's no excuse. Get dressed.

Capricorn

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Your creative mind seeks a playmate. If you don't have any creative or artistic friends, it's time to get acquainted with some. Place an ad in the paper, join a creative group or sign up for an art class at your local college. At the moment, you do your best work when you have a collaborative partner and it would be a shame to let your talents go to waste. There may even be someone you know who has a hidden talent you don't even know about. Ask your friends and relatives about their hobbies and artistic skills. Their answers may very well surprise you, but in a very good way.

I rarely pay attention to horoscopes but this one sounded interesting. Today at church I'm going to ask Heather if she wants to go to a coffee house or something later. Wish me luck.

Ginger, curry, cinnamon, salt... It's about time I spiced things up around here

2004-12-17T01:54:00.000-05:00

I wish I had some exciting good news to fill this space, perhaps over the weekend. For now, bear with me and my routine of a life.

My brother moved to Alabama (along with his girlfriend and my 5 nephews and nieces) without telling anyone. This is the second time he's done it, so it's not much of a surprise. But it still sucks. Today I went to a different library then I planned and picked up some books by Bill Bryson. Great writer, check him out. Then I went to my grandma's house. My aunt lives with her so I saw her too. They gave me $40 for Christmas and my birthday, yay! While we were there, my aunt called my dad on the phone, so we had to stop at his house. I would say that we all sat around and talked about nothing, but that would make you think there was small talk of some kind. So instead I will copy our entire conversation. ".......................................". After that was over my family (minus dad) went out for dinner at Chipotle. Then we watched a video of my Christmas at age 4. I was a very serious child. Literal to a fault.
God dammit, it's almost 2. Every night I promise not to stay up this late. But every night I do.

I can see the future

2004-12-16T11:49:00.000-05:00

For once my horoscope predicts something I can agree with.

Capricorn Daily Overview: You'll want to sleep in late today, probably because last night was a late one. Tonight may end similarly, so get ready for the drama by taking a nice, long nap. You'll be glad you did.
-
Today I am planning to go to the library to look for more free books.

Life: on autopilot...

2004-12-16T01:18:00.000-05:00

In my post for the 13th I mentioned drinking coffee late at night and not being able to fall asleep. You would I think I would have learned my lesson the first time. Instead I drank 2 cups at the café last night. I was awake until 5, yet again. Tonight I was part of an hour long three way phone conversation in which I only said "yes... Wow... Cool...". The two people I was talking to like each other, so it was a phone date of sorts. They were both nervous so I was selected as their "moderator"... It's all very strange unless you personally know both friends, then it makes sense, sort of...

I spent most last night reading the 1960s etiquette book I found yesterday. It's very amusing. Part of it was about women in an office setting. "[women] should be sure that their male co-workers treat them as women... Not men" and about how to "behave as a lady in the office". In another chapter they talked about how "parents should encourage healthy smoking habits for their children...Let them try smoking in the safety of their own home...". I guess the smoking=cancer link hadn't been made yet?

Justin called me tonight. He wanted me to spend a few days with him in Pittsburgh, but mum said no. Damn it all to hell! It's not even that far and would only be for a day or two. On the bright side he is coming to visit me next month. I promised to show him the sights. Now to find some sights to show... While we were talking, I converted him from IE to Firefox. I introduced him to the built-in Google search bar and taught him how to open new tabs. Never have I heard him openly express so much pleasure.

It's now 2 and because I didn't kill myself with coffee tonight, I think I will get some rest.

The cords of death encompassed me, the snares of the netherworld seized upon me

2004-12-15T03:00:00.000-05:00

I just downloaded YIM. It's like AIM without the bullshit. Why didn't anyone tell me about it before...?

I went to the library earlier and picked out some books from the free shelf, including a few college textbooks. One on Western Societies and another about Motor-Behavior: A neurophysiology Approach. The latter should be especially interesting. I picked them because they have a lot of things highlighted and underlined, always appealing. It makes browsing through the pages so much more fun. I also found an old Etiquette book which includes a section of how to adopt children... I love old books, especially the free kind.
The most bizarre find of the day was a small book called "Approved text of the mass on the day of burial" which is all about catholic funerals. Talk about guilt - "...My prayers are not worthy, but in your goodness grant that I may not burn in the everlasting fire...". On a sidenote, The subject of this post is from another catholic prayer. I found it quite poetic. The strangest part about the whole booklet is a little bookmark slipped into the back. It is printed with the name of the deceased (Bernard someone) and the date of His interment, which was in 1969. What I really want to know is

How did something like this get passed onto the library (especially almost 36 years after it was used)?
Who was Bernard?
Do they still give out these little cards? They are intriguing

After the library, I went to my second favorite café with my friends, Justin and Joel. It's owned by a local artist, Jimmy. Everything about it is colorful, from the art to his language! Justin and Joel had never been there before and loved every bit of it. They brought their guitars inside and played some punk stuff for us, which was really sweet. I have been good friends with Justin for four years so we are really close. We -Justin and I- sat down with my favorite waitress, Careen, and talked about politics while drinking peppermint coffee. It was very enjoyable. It's now 3am and I need to get some sleep. If I can persuade myself to stop reading long enough that is.

2004-12-13T10:46:00.000-05:00

There was a hilarious radio program on last night. Tiffany's teacher hosts it. They had a mock lecture about devil worship and how bad it is, then the Heights highschoolers all called in with their expriences with devil worship. Some pretended to be "...Saved by Jesus Christ! Praise be to our lord..."! Tiffany kept IMing me with messages about what a sinner I am and how I should repent.

Tiffany-I am holier than thou
Me- No, I am holier than thou
Tiffany- Go forth and repent thou sinning sinner! *smacks your head, Ernest Angely style*

We kept it up until 2 am when the program finished. Sometime around 1 am I tried to listen to my secret agent cowboy's show but my computer said I didn't have the right plug-ins, damn.

As of two days ago, I started using the fitness room downstairs. Each day, I run a mile on the treadmill, work-out for ten minutes on the bike, then twenty on the stairmaster. It's fun, in an exausting sort of way. Today the leg cramps are catching up with me.

Note to self - Don't ever drink black coffee after 9pm. After ice skating, I couldn't get to sleep until 5 am. Then I slept from 5am-3pm... It threw off my whole day. The irony of it all is, if I had just added cream and sugar I probably would have been fine.

This one goes out to the ones that don't exist.

2004-12-12T01:40:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went downtown and watched some friends ice skate. I don't like ice skating, I don't like snow, I don't like cold or freezing wind or any of the other elements of the evening. After about half an hour I went inside, bought coffee and baklava and walked around the museum. Nothing like java and Greek desserts to cheer you up.

I'm still not in a Christmas mood. The holiday season is one of those times when I like to pretend that I'm from Canada... "Stupid Americans, commercialism everywhere... I'm so glad us Canadians are smart. We don't start crazy wars over oil and are moving towards legalizing gay marriage...". I would rather skip Christmas and go directly to my birthday (the 28th). I made a wishlist on Froogle, you can check it out via my profile.

Free your mind man!

2004-12-11T02:09:00.000-05:00

I finished reading "1984", it reminded me of "Lord of the Flies" because after I finished it, I needed to lay down and contemplate it. Newspeak seems good concept, English is a very stupid language. Here is how I would simplify it.

Remove the letter "c", it doesn't even have it's own sound: Replace it with "s" or "k" where appropriate.
For all past tense words, add "ed": swam=swimmed/ate=eated. Words such as read (which can be either past or current) will be left as-is.
All negatives become "un"positives: bad=ungood/war=unpeace/death=unlife

I will try this for the next few entries and see how it works out.

Today I sitted at home and read books. Then, Sarah kame over and we eated dinner. I really wanted to go to my favorite café, but Sarah didn't have any money and I am too kheap to pay for her. So we called Cullen* over to watch "Dickie Roberts, former child star". It was ungood, no action and the komedy was terrible.
*Alright, I've just desided that names will remain the same bekause 1. My name looks niser that way and 2. bekause I have the authority to do so.

So far I feel very weird about this whole newspeak typing. I wonder, how popular it would be if introduced through the government (like in the book).

Tonight (at around midnight) the neighbor boy wanted to meet up for a late night fling. But we both reasoned it was too dark for him to find my apartment. Aside from that, I think it would be very difficult to sneak out of the house. The doors are very loud and klank when you unlokk them.* Also the best place we kould think of to meet at was behind the dumpster. No way.

* Oh dear, what about words like lock, (c)klick, pack... Are they then lok kilk and pak or with double "k"s? Who knowed making something easy kould be so hard. Maybe it will be like that disfuktional "'I' before 'e' except after 'c' thing" ... Good luck winning the spelling bee that way.

By the way, my spell che(k?)ker taked forever to scan this dokument :)

I just need to know you're there

2004-12-10T01:45:00.000-05:00

I spent most of my day at the dog show. Agility is always entertaining, especially when the owners are more excited than the dogs. I fell in love with a rescued Golden retriever "puppy" (one year old) named Eli. If I could have hidden him in my apartment, I would have taken him home with me.
I miss my dog so much. When I was younger, my dad bought a beagle puppy for me. He started out as a house dog. But, after a few months, my father refused to let him live inside the house. So Dad put him outside in a 10x8 cage. It was January. My dog was alone, except when I could stand the cold long enough to play with him, all of the time. He has lived in his cage (and the yard when dad lets him out) for seven years. It's really hard for me to explain how I feel. Hate isn't a strong enough word for how I feel towards my father. He always threatened to hurt my dog. I hate him. I hate him so much. And I don't know what to do.

Everything reminds me of her

2004-12-09T01:23:00.000-05:00

Once again, I can't sleep. Last night I took a sleeping pill, but it didn't help. Sleep is such a waste of time, I could be doing something productive. They say that you lose 7 years of your life to sleep. I am trying to cut mine down to six.

Later today I am going to a dog show with Rebecca. I know some of the people who are showing and one of the judges. But it's a huge show and I probably won't see them. Rebecca wanted me to sleepover but I bailed, I hate sleepovers with my straight (and narrow) friends, they make me feel uber uncomfortable.

I am thinking of publishing some of my poetry. I have been considering it for a long time but never have because it's all personal. It would be like sharing my soul.

I've decided to drop the "ey" at the end of my surname and replace it with an "é". I like the way it sounds, possibly French everything French is AbFab. Hopefully this new spelling will catch on because my last name is often misspelled with an E. Once I attempted to add Mum's maiden name as my second middle name, but it didn't work out to well. All of my children will have "normal" names with bizarre shorter versions such as (Alex)Xander and Ingrid. Okay so the second one doesn't match the description, big deal.

I wrote a long rant today.
I know a song about strawberries, that has nothing to do with them at all. When I was 6 I met a kid who could snap his fingers, all of them. I am always online. I don't like saxophone music much. My uncle is a truck driver. I went to Canada once, when I was 8 I loved it there. Sadly, I only saw the commercial areas, not REAL Canada. I wear flip-flops in December because I like to pretend it's summer. One of my best friends has eyes that change colors and never match. I have another that loves cows. My favorite song of the moment is about a cat who can eat a whole watermelon and thinks it's funny to burn the bible, which is funny because I hate watermelon. I have a coat that reminds me of the Beatles with very large buttons and fuzzy trim at the collar. Last week I bought a giant teddy bear for 50 cents. I am a earth sign in a family of water signs, the only stability in an ocean of chaos. I love dramatic people. Once my younger sister swallowed a penny and had to go to the hospital to have it removed. My pet gnome is lonely for visitors. The more you feed him the hungrier he gets so he's never tasted mushrooms. I don't like bananas, the letters are too repetitive. bananananananananananana. Besides that what kind of food has strings?! Uber gross. The End.

Cafe Insomnia is open for business

2004-12-08T03:10:00.000-05:00

Typical night of insomnia, thoughts are buzzing through my mind like bees in a hive.
Sometimes I wish my life would fit into rows, I wish it would organize itself into categories by priority and enjoyment level. It's a Capricorn thing I guess. Here is my (neatly sorted) update:

The heat is working, for once the fix-it-Frank did something right.
I broke up with Kasey. I think I was more upset than she was. Which, in some ways, is good if you know Kasey. Life goes on.
I discovered LimeWire and with it, a new way to enjoy music. Not to mention Lollipop Lust Kill whose cover of "Personal Jesus" tops out Marilyn Manson's. More guitars, better vocals... Sweetness. Also found a Jack Off Jill version of "I touch myself", amazing stuff.
Earlier I found $40 I'd forgotten about hidden away in my bedroom. Some of it will go towards library fines and the rest to be saved or spent as I desire.
In the afternoon I read more of "1989" It's very good, kind of scary in its relation to life today.
I nicknamed my cat Kavorkian, sometimes she answers to it.

Enough of that row stuff, my mind wanders as I type and quickly confuses my logical self. Tomorrow I may read this, hate it and delete it. I'm downloading a song that my computer says will take roughly another hour, sometimes I think dial-up is the devil. 1kb per second, what's up with that!?! For Christmas I would like DSL, or T1 if you really want to impress me. I've given up on that song. I'll download it some other night. For now I am going to bed.

The treatment of frostbite

2004-12-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

The heat in my apartment building isn't working. I am researching how to treat frostbite, just in case. A lot of these websites have pictures. So far my fingers don't look like that. It's best to keep warm. Must keep typing. This morning, I turned on the oven to heat up the place. It worked pretty well but didn't help if you were more than five feet away.

Goats who enjoy tin cans speak out!

2004-12-04T21:29:00.000-05:00

I got a call back from the agency and had an appointment this morning.
The woman on the phone said they "really want to work with me because I show a lot of potential". This meeting was what I was expecting the first time. We walked into an office to have a one-on-one thing. The director I met with looked like Conchanta Ferrell (K-Pax, Mr. Deeds etc) wearing too much makeup in all of the wrong colors. She talked forever about "the benefits of modeling.... blah blah blah"... Which I had heard about before in the hour long presentation.

After that was finished I told her I want to work as a promo model but she kept pushing for runway. I went there with an open mind but I do not want to be a runway model. Let me rephrase that, there is nothing I want less! I told her so and that it is "because I love working with people, as a runway model I would feel too distant". She then mentioned the $150 an hour. I told her "I really don't care, it's not something taht appeals to me so I won't be trying as hard to succeed at it". Despite this, she continued to bully me about it.

Then she asked what my top three career choices are. I said
Modeling (if it works out and I like it)
Ref. Librarian
Sign Language Interpreter
I thought it would be best not to list my others. Specifically driving an 18 wheeler. She said "Librarian... now that is at the opposite range of the spectrum". She went on to hint at librarians not being very pretty and being very anti-social. Note any directors who might be reading this, don't put down someone's goals. Especially when you are trying to convince them to work for you.
After she was done bullshiting me about my career, she told me the price of attending their school. $1,300. In a way I was expecting more ($2000 maybe). But it was still a little hard to swallow. So of course I asked about payments instead of a bulk one-time thing. It adds an extra $200 and you have to pay $65 a week. I told her "If my family stopped buying food we might be able to swing that...". Then she suggested I sell candy bars. I kept thinking $1500 worth of candy bars?!!! No way in hell. Mum and I said we would "get back to her about it later". Which translates into "We'll find somewhere else".

Last night I could have gone to the movies with Kasey, but (due to our recent... arguments) skipped it to go to a cafe (my second favorite) with Meg. We had a good time, they normally have a live band but it was canceled. So my sister and I entertained everyone with a scene from the Tempest. Then Meg's brother played his trumpet which blew everyone minds. He's won many awards and his teachers says he's a genius. He played Amazing Grace and a few people cried. Then Natalie, the singing waitress, did a few songs, her voice is amazing. After the evening was over I was almost glad the band didn't come

Stike a pose, there's nothing to it.

2004-12-02T01:21:00.000-05:00

Tonight I tried out at the modeling school and agency. It started well, with three (out of four) directors commenting on how much they liked my hairstyle.

It was very different from what I expected. I thought I would meet with the woman who called me, she would analyze me and I would get my results that night. Instead, I was lead into a room with about fifty other people, with chairs on both side and a runway in the middle.

One of the directors spent about an hour talking about the four areas of modeling.

Print - Magazines and such
Television - Ads and commercials
Promotional - People to people Sales, handing out samples and such
Runway - Fashion shows

After her talk, I felt very drawn to promo (at first, I misspelled it with an 'n' instead of 'm', oops). I am already into sales, love people and a minimum amount of money per hour at $18 is not bad at all.

When she finished telling us about the benefits of modeling, we were supposed to walk down the runway. I use bold writing because they expect more than just a stroll; there is a style to it (which I have yet to figure out). Of course, they called my name first. The other people all clapped as I did it, which made me feel very strange. The whole time I was thinking, "What are they clapping for? Me? Is it the fact that I can walk?” I almost laughed out loud at that, but managed to hold it in. Talk about your bizarre experiences. I did okay with it, my posture was good and I did not fall over my heels, but I should have made more eye contact and slowed down.

The people there were all very different from each other. Some looked very nervous, while others looked ready to feel asleep.

There was one man who reminded me of Zoolander. If you have seen that movie you know what I mean. Constantly pouting, very confident. With a good on his face that said "what is there to life aside from being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" He was ideal runway material! When he walked down the runway, it was like he did it everyday (and it was his first time).

Once I was finished with the walk, I was lead to a corner with one of the directors to discuss my potential. Finally, I would have some one-on-on time! The evening to date had felt very impersonal and cold. She (the director) was very nice. I told her I really want to go for promotion because of my history in sales and love for people. My confidence and attitude impressed her, to say nothing of my height. Tomorrow, after 2 pm, I am supposed to call the agency to be graded and find out if I got in. The grades are:

A - Yes, we have a job for you. There is a job for you
B - There could be a job for you but you need to work on something
C - We don't have anything for you right now, try again next year. Which, in some cases, translates into "don't call us, we will call you".

The director made it sound like I have a good chance at an A. I hope so, but if this doesn't work out, I will just try somewhere else. If I get an A, the chances of me finding work are very high. So wish me luck!

Merry Christmas (and a happy freaking new year to boot)

2004-11-25T23:56:00.000-05:00

Good grief, you turn on the television and everyones having a holiday sale "50-60% off"! You look outside and the ground is white (with snow). What the hell happened between 60 degree yesterday and now?! I hate cold weather.

This year, the Macy's day parade wasn't the exciting tradition it normally is. The announcer got on my nerves, and I didn't like ths floats they spotlighted, such as the pop star Ryan What's-his-face who disturbs me greatly. Sadly, this was the first I noticed the marque is nothing but a scrolling series of huge advertisments.

Every year, my extended family talks about the same things. Sports, commercials and the lastest medications they are on. So this year we went to church for thanksgiving dinner. A lot of people were there, including some of my friends. We played Scrabble and I won.

Lately, there have been a lot of people talking about getting married. It has spotlighted my confusion, every time I think I am making progress, something happens and I backtrack. An example would be, at church last week we were talking about our lifes and what has been exciting or new lately. I said something about my girlfriend, being careful to be non-gender specific, which made it all the more obvious. Sometimes I am brave enough to be honest, other times it scares the shit out of me. And I can't figure out what makes the difference. What am I so scared of?!?

Don't knock it till you've tried it

2004-11-22T13:53:00.000-05:00

Four more days until Buy Nothing day. http://www.adbusters.org/metas/eco/bnd/index.html
Someone on the website had the idea of holding up mirrors at the local mall, so shoppers can see what they look like as they frenzy-shop. I may do something like that. I also plan on putting up posters around town.

On saturday Sarah and I went to a concert at a bar near downtown. It was incredible, only about one hundred people came, making it very cozy and personal. The opening band was from Nashville and had a great sound. Their frontman joked with the band and crowd constantly which made everone more relaxed. The feature artist was amazing, after the last song we all clapped and stamped our feet until she came back for two more songs, including my favorite. We both had a great time, talking and laughing the whole way home.

I didn't even start on my homework until last night, but have made a lot of progress and think I will turn in everything on time. I even managed to write something for extra credit. Now all that remains is to figure out how to celebrate our last day of classes. My girlfriend, when asked for an idea that would be unexpected, recommened starting a food fight. I don't think I will carry out that plan, something about getting hit in the face by Becca's cous-cous does not appeal to me. Starr (my girlfriend) never fails to suprise me.

I'm too sexy for my cat

2004-11-17T23:33:00.000-05:00

Right now I am reading Oscar Wilde: A Certain Genius by Barbara Belford. One thing I really like about the book is, she doesn't try to pin-point where his homosexuality stems from. A lot of authors waste time and pages on theories about his childhood friends, or his mother dressing him up like a girl. The fact is: He was gay. Big deal. He was also a creative genius with a flair for wit. Kudos to Belford to understanding that. Enough on that subject

Next tuesday is the last week of classes. I feel as though I should go out with a bang. Doing something that is absurdly wild, perhaps a bit naughty, but won't get me kicked out. This week, I wore a leotard, with a short skirt over it, plus stirrup tights and leg warmers. Everyone thought it was AbFab. In the past I have worn:

Fairy wings
Bedroom slippers
Sparkling gold hair spray
A dress
A boy's shirt
Several boas

Once, brought my plastic troll collection. I have worn and done so many crazy things, that it's the norm and nearly expected of me. It's time for something new and daring. But what?

I don't like the way it is getting dark earlier in the day now. I always feel cheated of sunlight.

My business is doing well, but moves forwards only in baby steps, which drives me insane. I have been looking onto a job at a coffee shop, with no luck so far. The first reason, I have no desire to work in Star*ucks. The second being, my lack of time to get to know the small shop owners. I have one place in mind that I would adore working at, but don't have the money, because I don't have a steady income, to become a regular. Being one of 'the regular crowd' seems to be the only way to be hired anywhere local.

On a bright note, tonight I received a called from a local modeling agency. They want to "critique me" on December first. Hopefully all will go well and, if they don't hire me, they won't "critique me" too harshly.

How to avoid political dicussions

2004-11-13T23:03:00.000-05:00

In just 3 easy steps!

Stay away from democrats and republicans
Don't watch television or other media
Lock yourself in a closet for the next four years (at which time it will start all over again).

No one said it would be easy

2004-11-04T01:08:00.000-05:00

Friday will be interesting as it is our once a month movie-a-go-go night. We are a very unique blend of people, sometimes I wonder how we survive without killing each other. I must stay away from the pro-bush clique or risk lashing out in a violent manner. My posse has agreed to avoid the political scene for the time being. Discussions are too heated and emotional. I'm driving there with a friend as it is about an hour away. Her mother, a huge Kerry fan, is coming too. The car ride is sure to be fueled by politics, perhaps more than by gasoline.

Bitter spices mixed with wine

2004-10-15T03:01:00.000-04:00

This is my third blog, but I refuse to accept my addiction. Everytime I start one, it falls into the hands of some unknown enemy and I have to start all over again. Hopefully this will remain vague enough to keep them far away, while giving you some insight into my life.